You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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