I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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