Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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