she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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