i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
