you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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