His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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