I swear she didn't look like that last week.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
two words...techno handjob
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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