Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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