spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
