you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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