you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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