You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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