Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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