she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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