i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
