last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
