I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
