Ambien. No doubt about it.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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