Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
