if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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