Little spoons don't ask big questions
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
