nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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