is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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