Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
