a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
