I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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