So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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