It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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