We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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