a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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