Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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