It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
