I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
