final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
