Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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