Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize