you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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