A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Randomize
