I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
