hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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