I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
