she woke up with a sticky ear
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
