He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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