You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
