my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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