Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
