I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
