yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
