3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
