that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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