The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
