If i could tip my vagina, i would.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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