I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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