how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
