so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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