My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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