Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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