Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
