# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
