I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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