I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize