Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
