I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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