just come out here and I will go home with you...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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